When He Turns Away...

I'm not accustomed to my husband turning away from me. Even when things aren't perfect (which, let's face it, is never), he always climbs into bed, curves himself around me, and encloses me in his arms. It's how we heal every night, from the things the world does to us...and things we do to each other.

So, on the rare occasion when he turns away from me, it speaks volumes. Heavy, gut-sinking volumes. At the beginning of this year, he actually slept on the couch for almost 2 months, because he knows, as well as I do, that we have a tendency to become complacent when we "sleep it off" in each other's arms. It's too comfortable, and makes it too easy to avoid the trouble outside our bedroom door, even if that trouble is caused by us.

Several times over the past few weeks, he's been in bed even before me, which is unusual. But he's also been in a depressive state, which may explain it, to some degree. He's stayed on his side of the bed most of these nights, occasionally rolling over to find me later, when he was in a sleep-induced haze.

It's frustrating for me, because I have no idea what to do about it. I can roll towards him, which isn't our norm. He doesn't push me away, but he doesn't welcome me by sinking into me or relaxing beneath my weight. He simply tolerates my closeness.

It's amazing the wordless stories our bodies can tell, especially to those we know so deeply well.

How can the person I'm closest to be so far away from me emotionally? And how do we find our way back to one another when there seems to be a large crevice between us?

I've noticed this week, that he started out more distant and has softened somewhat. It's just the tone of his speech, how he answers the phone when I call, and how he greets me when I come home. There's just that tiny spark of "Hey, yeah you...I like you...I remember that..." that seems to be bubbling from just below the surface.

I've been texting him all week. Just little messages like, "I look forward to coming home to you every day, even when things aren't going well between us. You are necessary to my world."

I'm slow when it comes to dealing with "problems." And it is not always a matter of avoidance, though I can admit I avoid confrontation often. Sometimes, I'm just trying to be careful. Right now, that's the issue. I don't want to set him off. I don't want to make things worse. And as with a feral cat, I know I can't force him back - and I can't jump out and yell surprise or come at him an a flurry of action. No, I have to be subtle and constant, never turning back.

Persistence, determination, and hope, even in the face of so much failure. Some might call it foolish. But what else am I going to do? I love this man...this beautiful, flawed, angry, hurt, gifted, loving, honest man. And even if we lose each other in the end, I'm never going to look back and say I didn't try my damnedest.

Imperfectly yours,