When plans get interrupted...

Last night, I had planned an intimate evening of nothing but sex games (I actually even created a few from scratch, like sexy tic-tac-toe, with game boards and cards). I wanted to avoid the debacle from my first attempt at Project: "Date Night". This time, I was intent on focusing only on his needs and the types of things he likes to do. Romance was being put on the shelf, and I was ready to get good and naughty. I hit the adult store on my way home and bought new sexy lingerie, new toys...even porn. I was serious. Pulling out all the stops. I was going to stun him.

When I got home, he opted to go out to dinner so we didn't have to cook and mess up the kitchen, which is always fine by me, as I hate cooking and cleaning. We went out to our regular restaurant, and toward the end of dinner, he got a call from work. He had to go in. It was an emergency.

Sure, I was upset. But, the thing is, my husband's a cop, and when he gets called in, it may be someone's life at stake. It's not for me to throw a fit, and it's not his fault the night was ruined. So, instead of dirty movies and a sexy wife, he got to spend the night investigating a crime scene in the cold, rainy night. I thought about sending him pictures, but I didn't want to taunt him.  Instead, I curled up on the couch and watched a chick flick and went to bed early. I figured we'd just put my plans off for another night.

He knows I went to the adult store. So he knows I've got something up my sleeve. I guess that's enough for right now. As long as he knows I'm trying, right?

He seemed more talkative and less angry and depressed at dinner. There's always this tiny part of me that fears, when he pulls himself in to a better mood, that it may be prompted by someone else. I guess I'm always afraid he'll have an affair to fulfill the needs that I don't. He's a good looking man. He wears a uniform. And he's worn out emotionally. It would be human for him to cave to the wiles of another woman offering him what he feels he isn't getting at home. It doesn't mean I condone it. And it doesn't mean it wouldn't kill me...or ruin the marriage completely. But, I get it. I can empathize. And I can understand what might draw some people into that trap.

Maybe my fears uncover some underlying trust issues, but really, I think they simply point out my awareness of just how real and deep our problems are.

As I've said before, marriage, in any state, is a process...a journey. It's not always fun, but I wouldn't trade my connection with my husband for anything. For all of our problems, we are still tied by love and history and friendship. We haven't lost any of that. And even though our history has been rocky, it's our history. People who aren't in relationships like mine, where they are tied to their soul mate, maybe even tragically so, may not understand. They may ask, "Why would you stay if you are unhappy? Why would you continue if you both can't find peace?" They will never understand just how desperately we need one another, even when we can't figure out how to be together well.

It might sound easier to walk away. But, I don't believe either of us would be better off. Life will be hard either way, now that we've had each other. I believe in the One Great Love of Your Life. And this is it for me. It doesn't mean I haven't had love before, or that I could never find love again. But, this is my central love. The one I was built for, and the one that will never truly leave my heart.

I guess that's enough said for today.

Imperfectly yours,