Gratitude and Acceptance in Marriage

We are all flawed people. I know for certain and admit freely that I am less than perfect. But, I believe the measure of goodness in a person rests in his or her ability to reflect and his or her willingness to change and improve indefinitely.

I'm in a constant state of improvement. Yes, there are times when I get tired of trying, and I let myself stagnate for a bit. But, I've never stopped pulling myself off the floor and rebuilding with whatever pieces I have left.

I can be self-critical, but I've learned to work with what I have and accept who I am (most of the time).

It can be hard for me to do that with others...especially those closest to me, because my expectations are so high (for myself included). I suppose there is nothing wrong with having high expectations, because people do often rise to them. But, I think I exhaust people by never giving them an opportunity to just be their flawed selves. It's always about perfecting and improving and doing more and doing better.

But, my internal competitor, the one who is always comparing what I have and what I am to everyone else is turning into more of a collaborator as I get older. And I'm starting to see that some of our weaknesses are, in fact, strengths...if I just look at them in the right light.

Believe me, though, when I say...trying to shift from being a rather pessimistic/fatalistic person to a more optimistic person is tough, and it takes constant self-reminders to be accepting and grateful. I am not naturally so, though I wish I were. And suppose, with years of training, I may yet become that. It's a process. And it starts by accepting that those are the pieces I currently have to build with. I can add new pieces, but those original pieces will always be there. I can choose to see them as blemishes, or I can choose to see them as lessons and valuable reminders.

So I guess this first step of rebuilding my marriage (for the hundredth time) is accepting myself and being grateful for who I am and what I bring to the table:

I'm loyal, and I love my people fiercely. I take care of my family by keeping a comfortable home. I'm responsible, even when I don't want to be. And I'm efficient - with my lists, and plans. I'm productive and constantly busy, working hard and always learning to do things in better ways. I'm good at my job, somehow managing to work full time, be a mom, and take care of a home. When I "lose it," it's always when I have time to, because I don't want to burden others with my responsibilities.

I can also accept that I have faults I need to work on, and many are directly related to (or an effect of) my strengths:

I hyper-focus on productivity rather than people, and my expectations sometimes surpass what they are capable of or veer from what they want for themselves. I try to solve problems, rather than just listen to people's stories. I don't rest enough, which leads to exhaustion, irritability, and ill-health. And I put my to-do lists before the things that really matter...basically, my priorities are often out of whack.

Being aware of my strengths and weaknesses is the first step in changing them. And finding ways to improve my weaknesses will also improve my strengths. Like I said earlier, it's a process. We are all continual works in progress. No one is perfect. But, as long as we are trying to be our best selves...as long as we are trying to love ourselves and our people...as far as I'm concerned, we are not failing. We cannot let fear, guilt, resentment, and anger take over. Ever. And when it starts to, we must have the foresight to take a break, go inward, re-evaluate, and try something new - even if others are not willing to play along, at least we will know we were our best selves and that we tried.

I should probably apologize to myself before I apologize to anyone else.

Imperfectly yours,