Accepting and Apologizing

This blog isn't intended to be about complaining. It's meant to be about blunt honesty (with myself and others) and healing. It's also an experiment in reflection. I really have to think about what I'm writing when it's for an audience possibly beyond myself. That doesn't mean editing the truth; it means proofreading my thoughts before I spit them out.

We're a culture of collected stories. When you sift through them, each of us is there - a small voice in a big jumble of noise. My story isn't unusual. In fact, it's very common. Marriages struggle. Relationships end every day. Just yesterday, during parent conferences, I dealt with several parents and children going through just that. And it's obvious that it affects everyone in the family. Especially the kids.

I know there are people who will read my story and say there's no hope...or there's no reason to go through all this hell to save a marriage that's so troubled. But, see -- neither I nor my husband ever went into marriage with the perception that it was easy or with the idea that when it got hard we wouldn't give it everything we had to make it through.

We're either fighting our way out of the darkness and into the light...or we're fighting our way out of the darkness into void. Either way, we're fighting for our marriage, together.

Right now, I'm the one doing the fighting. He's too tired, and in he's not in the best place in his own head to fight. He needs a break. He also needs forgiveness and an apology.

Neither of us is innocent. It takes two to put a marriage in this kind of turmoil. And it takes two to get it out. But one person can do the forgiving and apologizing to get the ball rolling. I don't think I'm the only one who's screwed up. But, pointing out my husband's faults and everything he's done to contribute to our discontent isn't going to solve the problem. In fact, it'll make it worse. I also can't give excuses for my behavior as a way to avoid claiming responsibility for my part in the situation.

That's where it has to start. I have to accept our marriage as beautiful, rather than broken, even in it's current state. I have to accept him. AS. HE. IS. I have to forgive both of us for our past mistakes. And I have to be the one to apologize. A deep, truthful, specific, and sincere apology.

An apology isn't going to make our problems disappear. But what it will do is acknowledge his pain, and that I'm the source of it. It will show that I'm aware of my behavior (the first step to not repeating it). It doesn't prove remorse, but it does at least show him that I'm owning my part in this.

I'm not asking him to do the same. And I'm sure that right now, he feels I'm the only one who needs to apologize. That's fine. I have to accept that he feels I'm more to blame than he is. It isn't about measuring the level of our guilt. Who cares, really? In the long run, it won't matter, unless he can never get past it and can never face his own contribution to the state of our marriage.

I can't think about that, though. I have to make the decision to truly accept, apologize well and thoroughly, and then live with the results. I can change MY behavior. I can change MY thought process. I can ask him to join me, but I can't make him feel or think any differently. He has to do that. I'm not sure where we'll be in a year. I'm realistic, though, and I'm processing all of the possibilities so I'm ready, emotionally -- for myself, for our son, and for our future relationship (whatever it may become).

I have to take care of myself through the process - stay healthy, keep my social ties in tact, and be vigilant when it comes to his efforts to sabotage (out of weakness and fear). I also have to be ready for him to not ever accept and forgive and take responsibility. In order to do that, I have to be in a good place, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. My own person. Capable of standing on my own. It's not always easy, with my own issues to contend with.

At the same time, I have to focus on my marriage first. Since it's my goal. I'm not delusional. We are deeply flawed people in a very bent and bruised relationship. But, there is still love there. There is strong tie of friendship. There is a desire to be together. None of that is gone. And, in my opinion, those are the most important ingredients for a successful relationship. They aren't the only ones, mind you...but you can't have one without them, so they are central. We've got a long road of healing ahead of us. But I haven't lost hope.

Imperfectly yours,