We both feel guilty for what we fail to offer the marriage. We both want something from it that we aren't getting. And neither of know how to fix it.
We cling to each other, anyway, like lost boats in wild sea looking for our safe harbor, which marriage was supposed to be. It's not as if either of us were under the impression that this was going to be easy. But, I have days when I believe our relationship can't be healed, because he won't let it...and because I'm not capable of providing him the life he envisions as ideal.See, my husband is highly sexually adventurous. I'm not. He's gone so far as to suggest polyamory, because he just needs so much more than I am happy providing. Really, what it comes down to, isn't that he wants more women. The issue is two-fold. He doesn't feel desired by his wife, so he wants to feel desired by someone. And, two, he craves friendship that he doesn't have. Adding another woman to the mix, in his mind, gives him someone to hang out with socially, when I'm not up for it, and ideally she would also want him and make him feel desired.
There are dozens of problems with this idea, I know. And I'm sure I'm simplifying it. To me, it's a case of having your cake and eating it, too. And I won't have any part of it. But, the thing is, he's trying to be faithful in a relationship where he doesn't feel wanted.
Certain people, and I think men especially, thrive on being desired and considered desirable. Really, this issue gets at my husband's core. He feels unworthy and unwanted. That's not really my doing, but our marriage exacerbates the problem and makes it more apparent. And it also give him someone to blame rather than tackling the real issue from within, which is his negative self-view. Unless he finds himself desirable and worthy, he's unlikely to find anyone who will see him that way, either.
We have incompatible sex drives. But, honestly, I've also sort of fallen out of lust with my husband over the years because I've never been "enough." All the experimentation? I've liked little of it. And even though I've tried almost everything he's suggested, and been a willing participant...I've come out the backdoor of his "fun house" feeling dazed, confused, and disappointed (in him, us, and myself). I don't want to be a submissive. I don't like pain. I don't like other people in my bedroom. I'm not a fan of porn. And most sex toys just make me scratch my head in consternation. So, yeah, I'm probably a boring sexual partner. I could do a lot to spice up our sex life - and since that's the one place he thinks things are most wrong, it's where I'm focusing my energy this month. Sorry for the TMI, but that's what this blog's going to be about - the process of keeping a sinking marriage afloat. We have a lot of holes in our ship, and right now, I'm hurriedly bucketing water out and duct-taping cracks. We actually have a lot of rebuilding to do, but that can't be done properly until we make it shore and pull this rig out of the water.I think we're both willing, but right now I'm doing most of the work to keep us from sinking since he's on such a low. His depression adds a whole other layer of difficulty to the mix, because he's not motivated to do anything, let alone do the intense work that fixing a marriage requires. He's a perfect picture of sad apathy at the moment, and somehow, I've got to pull him out of it enough to see that I'm trying. Even though he doesn't trust that my actions will be consistent or lasting (and rightfully so), I have no other choice but to try. I can't control him. I can't control his thoughts or feelings or willingness to participate in this marriage. I can only control myself, and the best I can do is not give up until there is no longer any love to fight for.
I'm not a fool, either, mind you. I know that love isn't enough to make a marriage work. And I know people who love each other but just can't be together. We may be those people. But, I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet.
Imperfectly yours,
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