Coffee is symbolic

It used to be that when he had a day off, and I had to work, he'd bring me a latte. Just to be nice. Just to spoil me. It was like flowers, only yummier. I looked forward to it. I appreciated it. I grew to expect it...maybe that makes me spoiled...and maybe that made me take it for granted. But I'll say this for sure: when he stopped doing it, the message was loud and clear. It was as effective as sleeping on the couch in letting me know that something was wrong.

See, coffee is symbolic in our relationship. It symbolizes stabilization. It's a peace offering, a token of love. Now days, when he brings me a coffee out of the blue, I'm surprised...and grateful...and a little taken aback.

He didn't bring me coffee yesterday.

And though I wasn't surprised, I was disappointed. Not bringing me coffee is just a glaring reminder that things are broken...and he's not in the market for extending an olive branch--that, apparently, is all up to me.

On another note, I went to counseling yesterday. As usual, we talked about emotional preparedness - hoping for the best, but being reading for any outcome. And we talked about his guilt...how he quite obviously feels guilty for not being happy with what he has. Honestly, I don't blame him. I often feel the same. Nice enough house, precocious child, loving pets, money in the bank, working cars, health, etc. We have a lot to be grateful for, and yet...we're disappointed somehow -- in each other.

We didn't turn out to be what was expected. We mess up all the time. We fail each other. We don't measure up. We're bent and cracked in lots of places. We're two puzzle pieces that used to fit together, but after being chewed on and vacuumed up and lost under the couch, we don't anymore. I guess that's the most frustrating part...and the part that still gives me hope. At one point, we clicked. Our souls locked, and we were on the same page.

Of course, I've done my the reading, and I've spent plenty of time learning the psychology behind the newness of relationships and the science behind desire. For most of us, that kind of fire doesn't last. He's not wrong for wanting it to, however. And I'm not wrong for not living up to the want. It just is. And it sucks.

*******

We had another "argument" last night. Apparently I didn't show enough gratitude for all the things he did around the house yesterday, even though I'd told him how much I appreciated him sweeping and putting in a load of laundry (which he rarely ever does). I made a joke about him fixing the bathroom faucet but leaving an even bigger hole in the wall where the towel rack fell out. It's obvious to me that he's particularly sensitive right now, and maybe I should have known better than to use humor at a time like this. He blew up at me and told me I can find something negative in everything. True that. 

I asked him if he even wanted me to put in the effort to do the advent calendar that I have planned. Because he basically said that, even when I try to meet his needs, I do so in my way. I kind of see that as a "duh", but I also see what he's saying. I don't step outside of my box. But, I really was going to try. Bring that up, however, just elicited his now nearly broken-record-like appeals, "Why now?" and "What are you going to do that's different?" 

He brought up our having sex last week...3 times in two days (Thursday & Friday)...and said that he knew that was going to make it all seem fixed, and we'd just go on living our lives after that. And nothing would change. My view on it was a bit different. I saw it as a catalyst, but then his mood dropped drastically the following two days (Saturday & Sunday), and trying to keep up the momentum looked unlikely. 

As usual, it comes down to this: he's pissed about the past and won't forgive. He holds on to resentments and grudges and can't see hope or the possibility of change. He says he wants to, but he just can't seem to let go and move on. 

Awhile back, a marriage counselor told us that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I didn't like her. She had a tendency to point out my faults more than his, and her premise was this...I'm not going to change. If I haven't met his needs in the way he wants yet, I'm not likely to. I'm not saying she's wrong. It just seemed some final. Like..."You're just not right for each other, and neither of you are ever going to really change, so just accept it or move on."

She may have been right. In fact...I know she's right. I am who I am, and the fact that I'm not doing anything wrong (just wrong for him) makes it even more frustrating. 

Maybe I just can't make him happy. 

And maybe I need to just accept that.

But for now, I'm going to keep this train going. Because that's what I do.

Imperfectly yours,