It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.

It's been a few days since I wrote. Holidays get crazy, but my real excuse is just that I was enjoying my weekend too much to think too deeply about anything.

We're still not good. But, on Thursday, we went to my parents for Thanksgiving, and I got marginally creative and sent him a text while everyone was standing around talking before dinner. I wrote, "Is it wrong of me to tell you I want you?" We'd been "strained" for a few days prior, so I was tentative, but I also wanted to at least try to get the ball rolling again. He texted me back some time later with, "I want you, too, but I don't know how." Not that he doesn't know how to "you know".... Just that he doesn't know how to "us" anymore. Or maybe we never knew.

Anyway, we did end up having sex. AND it was good. 

We had sex again Friday morning.

And Friday night.

But, he was gone all day on Saturday at a shooting competition and didn't get home until late. 

By Sunday, he was a cranky mess again, but he couldn't pinpoint why. New moon? It seems to do it to our whole family. Sooooo...needless to say...no sex last night. He stayed up way too late and probably thought way too deeply about way too much. And drank. A great combination for him (or anyone, for that matter).

He's off today, so it's hard to say how things will turn out. He has a few jobs to do around the house, and I know how he gets when he has to do stuff, especially when he's already crabby. As usual, however, none of the things on his list are things I've nagged him about; they're just things that need to be done: garbage, fix the bathroom fixtures, go to our kid's award assembly, etc. Normal, home-owner/parent sorts of things. The real test will be whether he brings me a coffee at work, because that's what he used to do when things were better between us. 

Last night, he came in at around midnight (I was tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep, since I have to work today). He just kissed my forehead and said, "I'm sorry I'm such a douche." I told him he wasn't, and that I loved him. He told me he loved me, too, and went back to watching T.V. Earlier in the day, he'd tried to explain that his mood hadn't dropped because of me. He said it was him. And then later, when I made a comment about his life not being so bad, he said, "You're right, that's why I know it's me." I didn't dig, because I really didn't want to get into it. But, I could tell he was having quite a bit of internal conflict, likely blaming himself for the state of our marriage...maybe blaming himself for wanting too much or not being satisfied with what he has. I do that, too, on occasion.

Anyhow, here we go. It's Monday. I've got a counseling appointment today, and I'm not sure what we'll talk about. And I've got three days to get myself together before my advent calendar begins. I'm pretty excited about his new project. I've never done one for my husband before. He can be a little grinchy about the whole holiday thing, so I hope the "sexy" aspect of the whole thing outshines the fact that I'm giving him presents...some of which I've paid for...during a season he feels has been bastardized and commercialized and ruined by shopping.

Imperfectly yours,