Bridging the gap

Maybe I think too much. Maybe all the reflection I do is actually sometimes harmful for my marriage. I suppose it's possible that I can self-talk myself right into believing all sorts of things that are neither true nor helpful.

It's hard to know what's going on in someone else's mind, and speculating isn't usually the best way to get at it. Asking is probably the more helpful way to go about things. But sometimes, I think I'm afraid of what I'll find out if I ask. Staying in the dark and making up my own reality, no matter how bad, seems less scary to my subconscious than knowing what my husband is really thinking at any given time. Why? Well...because I think I'm always sort of afraid that he's thinking something worse than what I'm assuming he's thinking.

Right now, he's angry with me. So bridging the gap is nearly impossible. When you're the only one reaching across, if you lean too far, you'll likely just to fall in. He's short with me, dismissive. He still responds to my "I love you's" in kind, but they lack any sort of real emotion. I can tell there's nothing behind them. They're just words. He's tired and feeling like the asshole again, after our fight over parenting.

I get it. I fall into these holes from time to time. I just plain f#*king give up because it feels futile. I wallow in my own muddy brain for awhile, and eventually, I decide to come up for air. I mean, what's the alternative? Actually leaving? Yes.

We've been arguing on an off for years. In the beginning it was usually about sex and my lack of active desire for him. It took me a lot of time to figure out his hurt was less about sex and more about needing to be wanted...that feeling wanted is what gave him his zest for life. And without it, he felt depressed. I'm not sure why it took so long to get it. Chalk that up to our outstanding communication skills.

At the end of last year, the arguing just extended to everything. Mostly because we were both just tired. We were tired of everything. We seriously considered separation. I even wrote up a separation agreement a began looking for alternative living arrangements. But our finances sort of stopped us. We couldn't afford two separate residences. And we knew that divorce would ruin us, as well. But by January, we were pretty ruined emotionally, anyway. He moved to the couch and said he wanted a divorce. I lost my mind.

It's hard to say why. Believe me, I tried to honestly dig into it. Was I just terrified of being alone? Was I ashamed of our failure? Or did I really love him that much?

In order to keep our marriage in tact, I agreed to some pretty crazy terms. We were going to try an open marriage. Mainly...it would be "open" on his side, because I really had no use for it. He was the one who didn't feel desired. But, he didn't want to leave his family. In my view, he wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. But, to keep my husband, I agreed.

It fell apart, of course. I was too jealous to share him. And when I did try to go out and date, I felt too weird. It felt wrong, and all I wanted was the comfort of the one person I really trusted. Of course, he enjoyed the hunt. He always has. He liked perusing the dating sites and emailing women. He liked the possibility...the excitement...the newness. I don't blame him. But...it made me angry. And it hurt. Not because he didn't love me. And not because he was cheating, since he technically was not. We gradually gave up the experiment. But, I can tell he's still bitter about it. And we've fought about it since. He claims that all he wants is for his wife to want him. And actually, I believe him. The problem is, we've got such a distance between us that even if I do want him, he either doesn't believe it, doesn't trust that it will last, or is too emotionally drained to care anymore.

And I'm tired, too. But, like every other day, I'm going to find something in my marriage to be grateful for. I'm going to hug him and say I love you. And I'm going to stay, and keep fighting for my marriage until he stops...and leaves. I'm not going to be the one who gives up. I suppose you could see that in two ways...determined or stubborn and foolish. The captain who goes down with his ship still dies, right? And for me, it feels like it's not really about bridging the gap...finding a compromise. It's more about one of us completely jumping to the other's side. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

No...actually I do know how I feel about that. I think it's wrong. And if it's the only way to save our marriage, I'm not sure I'm willing.

Imperfectly yours,