When Fathers Don't Know How to Be Dads...

I swear we can't make it through a day without fighting about something. Even if I try to avoid it, it seems as if the world conspires to find a reason for us to get into it.

Yesterday, it was over our son.

We got home from running errands, and, while pulling into our driveway, my husband reminded our son that he had homework and chores to do. Then, my son reminded him that he'd said we might also watch a movie. Dad basically said no. He told him that we probably wouldn't have time, because we still had a lot to do.

Now, the thing is, my husband, in my opinion, gets our son's hopes up often. He tells him he's going to do things, but then he always seems to find an excuse. And usually, it's because our son has something pressing he has to do, like chores or homework. Sometimes, it's like he finds ways for our son to screw something up so he gets in trouble, because that's a perfect reason for not doing something he'd promised he'd do. I'm not even sure he's aware that he does it. But, it's gotten to the point where my son, who's only 9, already doesn't trust that dad will do the things he says he will. That's not in general. That's just in relation to our son. The kid just assumes that whenever he asks dad to do something with him, he'll say no, because he's "too busy sitting on the couch staring at his computer." Ouch.

I know my husband feels disconnected from our son. He finds him to be difficult. He's got ADHD and has the attention span of a gnat, so he has to be told to do things 42 dozen times. He's also the last one finished with anything, because he dilly dallies. It's irritating as hell, but...it's who he is, and no amount of yelling is going to change him. In fact, I see it doing the opposite.

Anyway, when my husband told my son that we probably wouldn't get around to the movie, he got pissed. I knew why...because my son has talked to me about how he thinks his dad puts him off. He started to cry, but he didn't talk back. So my husband asked him why he was crying. I thought it was obvious...and unnecessary to ask. Our son said, "Nothing," as kids are wont to do. Dad took it as talking back and told him to stand in the corner until he could give him a better answer.

I thought it was ridiculous. So, I sighed and rolled my eyes. At which point, my husband directed his anger toward me. We ended up sending the boy out to do his chores so we could talk.

It tried to explain my stance...that I thought it was a silly reason to get upset, and that the kid was just being a normal kid by being upset because he had to do chores instead of play, and that I thought his mood shift was for obvious reasons that didn't need to be probed. At which point, my husband went off on a rant about how he must be a shitty parent because he wants his kid to be responsible and answer questions respectfully instead of with attitude. I tried to explain, softly, that our son had told me how he felt about his dad's promises to do things together.

There was no winning. There was no getting out. He left the conversation angry and hurt, and I left the conversation feeling sad, and worn down.

It just doesn't seem to matter what I say or how I say it, I'm the "bad guy." He takes it like I'm trying to tell him I'm the better spouse...or I'm the better parent. And that isn't what I was saying. The problem is...I was right. And he knew it. And it made him feel guilty. And so who better to take it out on? Right?

Later, when he walked into the bedroom while I was folding laundry, he was crying. I felt bad for him, because I know he was wrestling with his feelings about his relationship with his son. He wants the best for his kid. He loves him more than anything. But, he finds very few ways to interact with him positively. They don't do things together. They don't play ball or go fishing. They don't even play video games together or work on cars. The kid annoys the crap out of him, and so he avoids doing stuff with him.

And as a mom...it makes me crazy!!!  Because I have no idea how to bring them together. And I can already see the boy feeding a seed of anger that will create distance between him an his father as he grows older. I'll be honest, too. I've actually considered that divorce might make my husband a better dad. Maybe seeing his son less, and only having a particular amount of time with him, would encourage him to plan fun activities to make up for time lost. Maybe having time away would make him appreciate the time he got to spend with his son.

I'll hand it to my husband, though. He felt bad, and he did something about it. After dinner, and after our son had finished his chores and homework, my husband offered to play a video game with him, since there wasn't time for a movie. And they did. And our son was thrilled.

It takes so little. Really. And I just can't understand why he can't see that. I also know there was probably a more subtle and effective way to maneuver our whole conversation...a better way to help him be a better parent than simply telling him he needs to be more forgiving and more accepting. But, I'm not a professional, and I don't always have time to plan out my strategy. Quite honestly, I don't always feel like I should have to. He's an adult. And sometimes the truth hurts. But, nothing I said was done with anger or accusation. It was done with empathy and sympathy.

Of course, it shot our night in head. He wanted very little to do with me the rest of the evening.

So...that desert oasis may not be as easily obtainable as I'd hoped.

Imperfectly yours,

                   P.S. Interesting article: "12 Reasons Fathers Might Not
                          Want to Spend More Time with Their Children"