So I didn't get a chance to write on Sunday, since we were on our way back from our New Year's camping trip.I have to say I made a special effort to be more "social" this year, since it always annoys my husband when I just stay in the trailer and read my book (the world just doesn't understand bookish introverts, now does it?). There were fewer folks there this year, so that was an easier proposition for me. Where we go, by the ocean, there is a great little enclosed shelter with a fireplace. We use it as our "common room", and pretty much everyone in our group hangs out there periodically throughout the day, and then we usually come together at night after dinner and drink and talk and play games and let the kids run wild.
Last year, I spent New Year's Eve reading in the trailer, which seemed like a lovely way to ring in the new year to me, but it made my husband crazy, since he wanted me to be a part of the festivities. Oddly, the only two people up last year at midnight were my husband, one of his friends, and our son. So, I'm not sure I was really missing out on any "festivities". More than anything, I think he felt slighted. I think he just wanted me to be with him, but he didn't really know how to say that.
We run into that problem a lot. We feel slighted by each other's behavior, simply because we are hurt by it, and then we don't know how to ask for what we want from each other.
That's something I plan to work on this year...changing my beliefs. I realize that what I call my reality is largely formed by my interpretation of things and that I spend a lot of time seeking (and of course finding) evidence to back that up. As a book I'm reading states, "The world shows up pretty mush the way we expect it to..." and "...your beliefs create your experience" (The Soulmate Experience).
Anyhow...this year, I DID stay up until midnight and hangout with the few people who managed to make it that long (we're an aging bunch and enjoy our sleep). My son and his friend and five adults sat around the fire gabbing and checking our watches...until the three guys headed off to find more liquor. The problem was...they didn't come back. They just went to one of the trailers and then stayed there. I actually had to radio out to get them to brink my friend and I a drink to ring in the new year. So, yes, I was a bit "slighted". I made a special effort to stay awake since it pissed him off so badly last year that I didn't care to. The guys came back with 3 minutes to spare before the countdown. And when I yelled out that it was midnight, my husband just kept playing his game, as my friend's husband came over and kissed her. Grrrrr.....
Now, in hindsight, I realize he was just drunk. And he doesn't get drunk that often, so it's not like I have a right or a reason to get on his case about it. He doesn't get that many opportunities to get wild and crazy with his friends (he's as socially awkward as I am), and I'm glad he cut loose and has some fun. But, it's hard not to compare your situation with that of others when it's looking your right in the face. My friend, who wasn't feeling well, anyway, headed off to bed, and my husband asked us to head down to the rocks to watch the waves.
When we got there, the way down looked a bit slippery, so I let my husband and son head down closer without me, and I stayed up on the stairs and watched from a safer vantage point. In the pitch black, I watched the glowing waves crash and listened to the cracking power of water against earth. It was both peaceful and frightening, all at the same time. Cleansing in a way, I guess. But, it made it painfully obvious that there was a divided between my husband and I...him down on the rocks, mere feet from the water, and me at my safe distance. I questioned myself quite a bit up there. Was I afraid? Was fear holding me back from the close relationship I wanted?
I got cold, but I didn't want to leave my son out there alone with my drunk husband, so I called down for the keys to the trailer, and the boys followed me up.
I bed that night, he spilled his slurred truth in my ear. He didn't want to lose me. He wanted us to find a solution. He wanted me, and he was willing to do the work it would take. He wanted to know if I was committed.
And I said yes.
I'm still not sure how we are going to fix it. And I'm not at all positive his "new found" willingness is going to stick...but I'll take it.
I'm going to work on being more accepting of his needs and wants. More accepting of my family...the way they are...the way I am...flawed and messy.
Imperfectly yours,
Melissa
No comments:
Post a Comment