Have you ever felt like a fraud?

I spend a lot of time thinking about my life. I plan it. I organize it. I worry about the future. I fret over the past. But "right now" seems to be elusive. Why can't I just be in the moment?

So, that's one big part of my new year's goals: to learn to be present...to prioritize right now and what is best for right now over what could be or has already been. And I'm starting with acceptance.

Not too long ago, I read somewhere that if you think things are wonderful, you are likely to find evidence that supports that conclusion. Likewise, if you think things suck, you are likely to find evidence to support that, too. Basically, we think our way into a positive or negative view of our lives and the people in them.

I live with two very smart, very high maintenance men. One's just a smaller version of the other. And both need more acceptance from me. Both need to be loved for who they are. And both need to freedom to live in our home comfortably, without me demanding the house be perfect. Besides, it's impossible anyway. With dogs and cats and people in such a small space, it is bound to look lived in, covered in paw prints, scratch marks, coffee stains, and clutter. This is a home, not a house. And as such, it must be given the liberty to be it's worn, comfortable self.

Another part of my new year's goals is to really pinpoint what I want most from my life, so that I can focus on that rather than what I feel I "should" be doing or wanting. So far, I've come up with:

• having a passionate and fulfilling marriage
• spending time having fun with and loving my family and friends
• reading
• creating art
• being healthy (in body, mind, and soul)

I want these things to come first, and I'm beginning also to ask myself throughout the day (especially when I begin to feel stressed or overwhelmed), "What's the most right thing for right now?" and "What matters most right now?" For example, this morning, as I glanced at the laundry pile, the dirty floor, and the dishes in the sink, I decided that the most right thing at that moment was to take a hot bath. I felt better after that and was better prepared to tackle the jobs I didn't want to do.

I'm also getting better and just letting some things go. It isn't necessary to have a spotless house or to have all of the errands done. Things can be put off, sometimes indefinitely, in order to make room for the things that matter most.

I am by no means great at any of this. In fact, I tend to be terrible at it. I'm the first one to destroy my own day by filling it with tasks that make me crazy, and because of their need to be repeated on a daily basis, I find myself stuck in this "To-Do List" hamster wheel, doing chores that never seem to be done. And it isn't like I can just say, "Screw it...I'm not doing the laundry anymore." There has to be a line, though, between getting things done and letting those things take over your life.

And finally, I'm really going to try to keep a nightly gratitude journal. I've added it to my planner, to make it more visible to me every day. I figure if I make it as simple and accessible as possible, maybe I'll be more likely to do it. I'm working on prioritizing, being present, and being positive this year.

I've no idea how this will all go. But, no one can say I'm not the type to keep getting up off the ground and trying.

Imperfectly yours,
Melissa