A Roller Coaster Marriage

His inconsistency is a bit crazy-making...and I find it ironic, since it's one of the things he says drives him nuts about me. However, I won't say that I'm ungrateful when he suddenly shows some sort of acceptance and gives in to his love and need for me.

He pulls away from me, he fights his feelings for me, and he wrestles with his beliefs for only so long before he can't anymore. He gives in. 

From "Marriage: Discover the Thrill of the Ride."
Read the article HERE.

I guess some might say it's similar to a cycle of abuse...and that it's not healthy. We fight, we cry, we walk around in near silence for a few days, and then one of us (or both) runs to the other, professes his or her undying devotion and promises to be better. After that, for a few days...or weeks...we're okay. Over and over and over...

Last night, he woke me up in the middle of the night to make love to me. I'm not going to complain. But I also know the drill. He does it because he loves me and he can't bear to let me go. He does it out of desperation. It was good...I won't lie. And he'll be happier today because of it. 

Like him, however, it makes trust in the relationship difficult. Because he goes back and forth between his feelings for me -- "I'm unhappy and can't live this way any longer" to "I love you to much and can't bear to be without you" (maybe those two aren't mutually exclusive) -- I never know where I stand. And, in relation, I never know where our relationship stands. Is he going to leave at any moment? Or is this just another upturn in on the roller coaster that is our marriage? And do I want to be on a roller coaster?

It's a funny question. Because do any of us really know what kind of ride we're going to get when we go to the amusement park of love and decide to commit to standing in a terribly long line, where we build up all of our expectations as we watch others experience the ride, laughing and screaming? When they get off, some look pleased as punch, and others are green. And that's all we've got to go on to make our final decision to bail or stay and get on. And even if we're totally excited, enjoying the beginning of the ride, our brains can take a turn toward terror and our bodies can rail against us in sickness, unable to handle the intense motion. 

I never thought we'd be one of those couples. My parents were, and I thought I'd avoid it. I thought I'd have a nice, calm, uncomplicated marriage with a simple guy. But, none of us are really all that simple, I suppose. And to complicate matters, we change over time...because of each other and in spite of each other. 

I knew marriage wouldn't be easy. I could see the loops and dips and hills and valleys from a distance. But knowing and experiencing are two different things. And it isn't easy to get off a roller coaster when it's moving, even slowly. There's bound to be some pain from the landing, and regret as we watch the cars move up the next hill, wondering if we got off too early and missed out on the best part.

Because it will go up again. It always does. Unless the whole thing collapses. In which case, it's not my choice anymore.

For now, I'm staying on...knowing full well there will be ups and downs...admitting that I love that thrill and the adrenaline, but that I'm also pretty afraid. 

Humans are weird. We can't seem to stop punishing ourselves in our pursuit of passion. We do crazy things for it. And I suppose I'd rather have him than not. I'd rather be on this ride than be standing to the side, alone, wondering if I made the right decision. 

Imperfectly yours,

P.S. Today is the beginning of my Sexy Advent Calendar...be sure to check it out!