I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of living in an environment where I'm always left to feel either like a failure or like I've somehow ruined his life. I'm really not a terrible person. I've made lots of mistakes; we both have. But, unlike him, I have a tendency to forgive...and even forget in many cases. He says that's because it doesn't matter to me.
Yes, I'd be depressed if he left. But, I'm depressed with him here. Yes, I'd have to do a lot more on my own, but I'm basically running the whole house by myself right now. I'd just have to cook and take out the garbage...and go back to tackling the finances again.
It's heartbreaking to think that maybe we've failed. But, I'm at the end of my rope. We've been fighting for years. And we've been on the verge of divorce for just over one year.Honestly...I don't want to let go of my marriage. I love him deeply. But, maybe this would be best for him. Maybe letting him go would give him the space he needs to get back on his feet. Maybe he'd find happiness with a woman who can love him like he wants...with intensity and lust. Maybe he'd be a more relaxed and involved father. He'd have time to do what he wants. Maybe that would make him happy. Eventually.
I have a sneaking suspicion that it wouldn't. Because he's that sort of person. He'll wallow. He'll drink. He'll withdraw. So will I, probably...for a time. But, I'll come out of it. I've already decided that.
Our fight was Friday. We were supposed to have our Sunday Marriage Talk (our little "state of the union" discussion - a left over practice from our counseling days) yesterday, but skipped it to avoid fighting. Right before bed, he asked if we could talk Monday instead, when he was sober. I said yes.
He's slept on the couch for three nights. But he's still wearing his ring, and we're still saying "I love you." Maybe it's best to part when we're still on those terms.
Maybe.
But, if it is...then why does my gut say it isn't?
Imperfectly yours,
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