Project "Date Night" 1: The Witch is In (FAIL)

So, I hadn't started this blog yet when I went through the motions of beginning Project "Date Night."

I've been pretty honest so far about the fact that my husband and I are not on the best of terms. He's said some pretty heavy things to me recently about not trusting me emotionally and not feeling safe with me in that regard. His complaints are usually about me not being consistent and his not feeling desired.

If you've ever read The 5 Love Languages, then you are aware that in relationships we have different needs and different ways of showing love. The way we show it is usually the way we, ourselves, want it. That's great, if the person you are showing love to has the same love language as you. The book is an easy weekend read, I'd definitely suggest it. My husband went through it together a few years ago, and we learned that my love languages are "quality time" and "acts of service". I like to spend time doing fun things with him. It's what makes me feel closer to him. And I appreciate it when he does things for me, especially around the house...especially without being nagged to death. My husband's love languages, on the other hand, consist of "physical touch" and "words of affirmation". He needs to hear me tell him how important he is and how much I appreciate him. Between this and the verbal and physical acts of showing him he is desired/desirable, that's where he gets a lot of his self-confidence. Now...one might say that he should be getting his self-confidence from within, not from me. But, let's just be honest (and cut the guy a break), we all need to be told we are valued by our loved ones. If we don't hear it or feel it, then we begin to feel like failures in the relationship.

So, with that, I designed Project "Date Night" as a way to incorporate ALL of our love languages. Unfortunately, I did not plan out Date Night #1 very well. I thought I had...

I gave him a cute invitation on Monday (Halloween themed). Then I spent the week collecting items to prepare. I bought some green and black striped thigh-highs, a cute, glittery little witch hat, a bottle of "Besieged" wine, season 1 of Ash vs. Evil Dead (since it was a series he wanted to watch), and dinner makings.

I came home Friday night, blew past him into the bedroom, and changed into a sexy black nightie, the tights and hat, and some black boots that went with the costume. I came out and placed a sign on the kitchen cabinet that stated, "The Witch is In". And I proceeded to pour him a glass of wine (in a skull goblet, of course), and make him dinner. He loved the costume and said as much (he loves that sort of thing, anyway). We ate dinner and talked, and then after, we hit the couch to watch a few episodes.

Unfortunately, this is where I went wrong. I know myself. I hit the couch at the end of a work day, and that's pretty much it for me, especially if I down a glass or two of wine. This night was no different. The thigh-highs, since they were cheap, began to dig in to my thigh, so I took them off. And the hat went, because the head band was uncomfortable. I snuggled up against my husband, and within an episode, I was dozing off.

I could tell he was disappointed, and hurt, and a bit angry. But, rather than just being smart enough to figure out the problem, I asked him, "What's the matter?"

And the discussion began, which heated up quickly.

He was right, of course. But, cornered as I was, being told I was "deficient" in some way (at least that's how it felt)  didn't elicit a reaction that diffused the situation. We ended the night upset, but agreed to put of the discussion until Sunday, when we could both be level-headed.  And Sunday was the day he told me he didn't feel "safe" with me, which made me, quite honestly, sick to my stomach.

That ugly D word came back up, but both of us remained steadfast that we did not want to go there.

My biggest concern for us is this. He has a lot of resentments. We both do. But, I go to a counselor to deal with mine. He doesn't. And so his resentments build, or just hide and come back at inconvenient times (which is always...because when is an argument about everything I've ever done wrong convenient?).

I love my husband, and I can admit I've done a lot of shitty, juvenile things in our marriage to protect my ego and avoid admitting that I can be selfish and childish and narcissistic. But, at some point, he has to forgive me. I told him as much. I told him he doesn't have to forget. I know he can't. Words said in the past sort of stick around, especially if they've cut someone deeply. My honesty has been too blunt over the years. Things I could have said in nicer, more productive ways, or things I should have just kept to myself, have come out of my mouth as acid and fire during angry battles after several drinks (yes, there's a pattern there that I'm quite aware of...so no need to point it out).

Thankfully, I had a counseling appointment scheduled for Wednesday, so I had a chance to sort through things. The counselor asked how I felt when my husband told me he didn't feel safe with me, and I told him, "Sick. And like a failure. A failure as a wife." He then asked me what it meant if I was a failure as a wife. I answered, "That I'm not good enough." And then he asked me, what emotion the sickness came from. And I said, "Fear." What do I fear? That he'll leave. Finally, my counselor smiled and asked me, "And what if he does? What will you do?" I answered, "I guess I'll make it through. Like I always do. It'll be hard, and it'll hurt. But, I'll make it." We also talked about, earlier in our session, that if I wasn't "good enough"...what did that mean for me in the future. I guess it came out that I was worried I'm not worthy of another relationship, that I'll just ruin that one, too. But, he assured me that we are different with different people. And even if I'm not my best self with my husband, I might be my best self with someone else.

I don't really want to consider that. But, talking it through now, being realistic, and prepared, is how I roll. My counselor is right. If my husband doesn't want to forgive, and doesn't work through his resentments, nothing will change. I can band-aid things with my actions and by giving him what he needs and wants, but those feelings will still bubble beneath the surface. And anytime I screw up, they'll boil over. I have to be prepared for that, if I stay.

For now, that's my plan. To give him what he needs, to apologize (probably repeatedly) and hope I can get him to counseling.

I realize I'm not the only one at fault here. But, it does me no good to point out his faults or to remain angry about things he's done, or not done, in the past. I can only change my actions and thoughts, not his.

So that's what I'm doing.

Imperfectly yours,