Keeping myself honest...

Today is a counseling day for me. I go by myself these days, mainly because, back in January when we were considering splitzville, our marriage counselor suggested we each have our own counselors in case all of our attempts to save the relationship failed. She offered to help us as a couple through the divorce, but advised us to have someone there who was just "ours" and didn't have to, I guess, deal with both of us at the same time. I can see how that might be hard.

So, I went back to the counselor we have been seeing a few years before. He's a nice guy, and he knows all of our secrets, so it made it easier than finding someone new and going back through it all again. I was emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausted at the time.

Now, I go...once a month...just to check in and deal with issues in or out of the marriage. We've talked about ways of dealing more successfully with arguments--controlling my temper so I don't lash out with mean comments or say things I don't really mean just because I'm cornered, listening and acknowledging his complaints, and asking to talk about things at "better" times (not after several glasses of wine at midnight). We also spend time just dealing with my own stuff, since I've had to consider life without my husband, we've talked about ways of being happier on my own, dealing with the negative effects of my introversion, and maintaining my moods (I struggle with depression and cyclothymia/bipolar disorder). We also talk about the stress of my job and parenting.

My counselor is like my sounding board. I write a lot and reflect a lot. But, my writing doesn't talk back. He does. And he doesn't always tell me what I want to hear. He plays devil's advocate and calls me on my shit (in a professional and subtle way, of course). He also asks me a lot of questions for later reflection. Ironically, I'm a very private person. Anonymous confessional writing like this goes out to a world that doesn't know me. Sure, readers' gonna judge...based on what I write (out of context and with little background), but writing to a public, like speaking to a counselor, keeps me honest. Sure, I could lie to you...but why? I don't even know you. But somehow, writing to you...for you...makes me feel like I'm talking to someone. And I know that a few of those someones are going through similar things.

This is how we connect. And, in my opinion, that's what life is about: connecting with others.

I have friends. And I do talk to them...but I can't stand burdening my friends and loved ones with my personal issues. I get tired of hearing other people complain, so I can only imagine that my friends would, at some point, just say..."divorce the bastard and get on with your life" as a way to mask their true feelings..."quit yer bitchin', I'm tired of hearing about your 7,000th argument...nothing ever changes...it's the same story over and over...."

I know I'm probably over-exaggerating here. Those of us who are hyper-sensitive about annoying other people or being a "Debbie Downer," probably don't do it much, as a matter of principle.

That's what you are for. Yay, you! So feel free to talk back. Just know - I'm here for the positive, so keep your negative judgments to yourself (or I'll just delete them...that's super easy). Other than that, I hope you simply enjoy reading about my insanely normal life, with my insanely normal problems. In fact, we might actually have a lot in common,

Imperfectly yours,