And we were doing so well. It's frustrating as hell how quick the turn-around on emotional stability can be in our relationship. (And he gives me shit about bipolar disorder...I'd say he's just as likely to be suffering, especially with his ups and downs, which can be minute to minutes at times.)
We went out to dinner on Friday, since our son usually stays with grandparents on Fridays. It was "date night" in a way, I guess, and we had a good time, just talking and laughing like we normally do. Then we came home and watch a little T.V. and headed to bed.
In the morning, he was in an obviously terrible mood. We had made plans to go Christmas shopping, so at first, I figured it was just that. But then I asked, "What's the matter? Are you mad at me?" This elicited a flow of words that basically left me with this picture. Apparently the night before, we had begun to have sex, and then I'd told him to stop in the middle because I wasn't feeling well. He took it as a rejection. And me? Well, I honestly did not remember any of it. This just pissed him off more. And I don't think he really believed me. He said I hadn't had enough to drink to forget, so how was he supposed to trust my excuse. I told him the only thing I could...that he either would, or he wouldn't, but that I was telling the truth and that I was sorry I hurt his feelings. It wasn't my intention. He told me it's never my intention, and proceeded to pout his way through the morning.
I asked if he wanted to just let me go shopping by myself (it's a bit of a drive to the city). It sort of put the kibosh on my Sexy Advent Calendar plan for the day, since I'd planned for us to go adult "toy" shopping together (since that's something he's brought up wanting to do in the past). I was pretty sure he wasn't going to want to do anything sexy with me, considering his feelings and mood. But, he opted to go shopping with me, anyway.
It was a silent drive to the city, which sucked. And shopping for most of the day was awful, tinged by his bad mood. I finally broke after going to the first adult store. We looked around, and pretty much, he just followed me moping and brooding. Not sexy. So we left. And I started to cry. And he said he loved me. And I said, I know. And it was the same f*%$ing conversation we always have. I told him we just needed to get our shopping done, so we moved on the the regular toy store and focused on our son for awhile.
After a few more hours we did end up going to another adult store and bought a few things. But I was disappointed because I wanted to buy something for both of us and all he wanted was to buy something for me. I get fairy tired of him alluding to my selfishness when I try to do things for him and he turns them around on me. But...I gave in and we left with our purchase.
When we got home, we watched a little TV and went to bed, excited to try out our new stuff. And then the words....words always seem to get in the way. I don't even know how...or what was said...but we ended up arguing again... mainly about me "forgetting" that I'd "rejected" him the night before. I was like...I thought we'd dealt with this? Why is it back? Obviously because he doesn't let things go. He hangs on to every upset like a dog worries a bone and just growls and growls until he has a new one to worry. And then he buries the old one so he can come back to it later.
The theme of our conversation was mainly that I'm a selfish lover. That I always think about what I want, when I want it, and how I want it. That he's always doing things to get me off, but that I never just want to please him in the same selfless manner. This, after not letting me buy anything for him at the adult store. I'd told him I had planned, initially, to pull over on a side road on the way home from shopping (since that's something he's always said he wanted to do), but that after the day we'd had, I really wasn't feeling all the sexy or generous. That totally set him off.
We went from "going to have sex" to "not going to have sex" four or five times before we gave up for the night and put the toys away.
So, we ended up rolling over and going to sleep. Game over.
And today is a new day. Holiday decorating and walking on egg shells. Good times.
Imperfectly yours,
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